The “Horoscopers”


We humans just can’t let go of any chance when it comes to unveiling the future. That’s why Astrology still thrives in this century.

The illegible tiny black and white fonts on the corner column of daily newspapers still get read by hundreds, with hopes of finding love, money or even a visit abroad written on their fortunes for the week. The most extreme followers of the horoscopes get very passionate when it comes to vouching for that tiny corner column. Here are some of the “horoscopers” whom I have encountered quoting their most memorable lines I heard:

  • The Romantics: “She’s a Virgo, he is a Libra. They are going to kill each other!” was the exact line I heard my friend say when she heard about a couple who just started dating. These Romantics are your ideal pocket love gurus (apparently). They can predict your compatibility both in and out of the bedroom.

In most cases, they tend to steer away from potentially incompatible crowds. Their favorite celebrities or crushes just happen to belong to their compatible zodiacs. The solution to all relationship problems are conveniently placed in their zodiac signs. How wonderfully convenient.

Best quote:

“10/10 in compatibility is just too perfect, that’s why my ex and I broke up”

[Yeah, I was just as confused as you are]

  • The Scared Souls: The most amusing horoscopers ever! They literally take notes of the “lucky day of the week” from different newspapers and compile a report on the “unlucky day of the week”. This is serious business people. No exams should befall  upon you on that day of the week, for the lucky charms won’t be by your side.

From what I’ve heard, death is possibly the worst possible outcome one could have on that unlucky day. The next time you see a person looking anxiously at every possible direction; it may not be a terrorist but only a Scared Soul having the worst day of the week.

Best quote:

Sacred Soul: It doesn’t hurt to be careful.  

Me: But you believe that everything is already written in your fate, then what’s the point?

Sacred Soul: Shut up!

  • The Charm Collectors: That lucky cricket bat, the infallible interview kameez, the last visit to the lavatory before every exam… there is no end to what these horoscopers believe in. Every zodiac has its own charms, and they have them memorized to the teeth. Not just the birthstones, the charm collectors know the ins and outs of all the impact every color, scent, flower and even pet animals might have on them. In my experience, they do not tend to open up much about their knowledge on charms (selfish morons) and only the closest confidantes  are allowed to discover this attribute.

Best quote:

“I didn’t notice when my lucky wristwatch stopped working. Thank goodness, I looked at the clock on the exam hall pretty early. I got so lucky!”

  • The Validators: They can make a toast for each and every time a horoscope prophecy comes true, regardless of how remote the connection may have been. The Validators are always there behind you to say “I told you so” in the most annoying manner possible.

Best quote:

“I wish all my exams had been scheduled today; it’s my luckiest day of the week.”

[Yes, Validators often happen to be nerds too]

  • The Secret Followers: They possess the uncanny superpower of pretending to read something else while actually reading the horoscope section of the magazine. Always ready to turn the page in public to make sure no one catches them red-handed. They start joking at the predictions every time someone barely takes a glimpse at the page, just to reconfirm that they aren’t guilty of believing a single word written on that section. If asked how they perceive horoscope, they’ll respond with an unnecessary roll of laughter and then ask back “Why, do you believe in all that?”.

The Secret Followers would probably wait till the lucky day of the week before asking someone out on a date. They never fail to ridicule the Romantics, Scared Souls, Charm Collectors and Validators in public and think of themselves as the crowd pleasers for doing so.

Best Quote:

I would never try to mock horoscopers by writing an entire 730 word article on them.

[Today’s horoscope: Trying to count the words on this article will ruin your day.]

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I am a reader in the truest sense of the word. Novels, lyrics, newspapers...and even people. I find interest in reading anything and everything. Currently employed full time and find solace in writing about my personal experiences. A vigorous traveler by nature and a humble story-teller.